Sunday, 14 April 2013

The nightmare

Two days later, over coffee, she shared their emails and how the´ve been trying to talk things over. She was still decided that quitting the relationship was the best thing for him. I was surprised at how she had willingly given up all thoughts of herself.
I´ve known him to be kind, and quite expressive.... and reading his emails was an eye opener for me and it seemed for her as well.

My sweet Lady D,
I'd like you to know about  long and horrible nightmare I had. This nightmare began on the 1st of June, last year. As you well know, this day, when I went to pick up my little boy, my ex called the Police and accused me of domestic violence, saying that i was beating her and my boy .
You know almost all the whole story. You were by me during this time, you stood by me almost all the time, and your support helped me so much.
But you couldn't get into my deepest feelings. What happened was out of your reach, and out of my reach too. 
The trials and all that came with them was too much to handle. 
I lost lots of things. First of all, I lost my self esteem, I became insecure, and my anxiety escalated. I did many things that I thought were necessary, but not precisely good for me.I had to protect myself against my anxiety, my anger and my sadness, and made an armor around my heart, and during the past few months, I wouldn´t allow anything get in or out of it.
Eventually, it felt like I also lost the capacity of being happy.
I ended up acting childishly, every now and then being led by only primal instincts. I would get angry for slightest reason, I would lash out at anything I find unpleasant, and would be content with any treat.
I had no future plans, no global vision, no real feelings, only instinct.
I lost the first battle,  with the judge's decision on alimony. It was quite an exorbitant amount of money to pay and still try to have a normal, reasonable life.
My work and my incomes were beaten too. By Christmas I was physically and emotionally exhausted. After Venice I went to my doctor and doubled the dose of my antidepressant (Sorry I didn’t tell you).

Well, finally I won two out of three, and the other one is going to take longer, but I believe that is going to be solved in a good way.
You asked me if I was celebrating, the day you knew. No, I wasn’t.
This Saturday, my aunt has invited all the family (you included), to celebrate also.
I don’t want to go. There’s nothing to celebrate.

Now I’ve realized that I took it out on you too, and worse still, I didn’t realize that you were there. I wanted to tell you so many things, but I was closed, frightened, annihilated...
Finally, just one day before my victory in court, I lost the most important thing I had.
My babe. The one that was with me during all that time. The one I love.

I don’t want to celebrate. I didn’t win at all. I did loose. A lot.

I have a long way now to get well. But I know that things will never be the same again. I know that whatever happens, me, we will NEVER get back to that 1st of June.

So here I am, feeling sad, insecure, hating myself for what I did, or did not do, alone and exhausted as I never thought I could be. Any thing I do, any decision I take I have the impression I am doing it wrong.

I can’t stop crying. My little boy asked me this morning why I was crying so much. I was looking for his slippers and found yours. I took me 15 min to recover.

Babe, I don’t know why I have to write these things to you. Something stops me when we are together. Yesterday I was again talking nonsense. Please don’t be angry with me. I’m trying hard to open myself, to think, to get better...
My problem is not about freedom. I think that I have to find myself. It has nothing to do with girls, sex, traveling or any such things. It feels like I've lost myself in this journey. I don’t know who I am.  

I hate myself for hurting you. I thought that I was strong enough to go on by myself so I wouldn’t be always telling you sad stories but, I didn’t realize that I was wrong. I didn’t see it coming...

You broke my heart when you told me that we should call it quits, I was not prepared for that. I thought you were always going to be there. I thought that we’ll have time to sort things out, that we were strong enough as a couple to talk and fix things.

At first I didn’t understand that I was hurting you for so long. I didn’t know how to tell you what was happening to me. Anytime I tried to talk to you, either I won’t dare, or my anxiety would overwhelm me, with such bad results! Words just won’t get out of me. I would decide to wait , to try again later...

I had the feeling that you knew that something was wrong, that’s why I was asking so much “Are you ok?” I suppose that I was hoping that if you would start the conversation, it would be easier to talk to you. I know now that I was right, something was inside your head, but I didn’t understand that I was the one to take the first step. I really needed help.

I am trying hard to write down some things deep in my heart. Whatever the meaning of what is written, I never mean to hurt you and if there’re any mistakes, or double meaning in what I´ve written, please take it the good way. Please. I don’t want to mess things up more...

I don’t know how to tell you that I am grateful for all your support and patience...

I DO love you.
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